Oh how things change

A year of uncertainty, strife, confusion, and upset. That was 2010. I'm looking for that proverbial window to open up. Maybe I need to look harder for it.

Choose wisely

In the midst of difficulty, find tears, introspection, and compassion for those in a similar state. In routine, find insensitivity and sleep. Which is "good" and which "bad"? Be careful what you choose.

Eternity

Is there something that remains after death? One of the struggles of all spiritual traditions through the ages. What is that something? The question begs another - what are we, really? Am I this body? Am I "mind"? Am I "brain"? Am I a collection of cells? Where does the "spirit" reside? Is it "real"? What role does intention play? How do we interact with the "world" - with "others"? What is this "world"?

Unless we can answer these questions, how can we possibly answer whether "we" survive beyond the disintegration of this "body"?

Life's tests

My father-in-law died in hospice, very peacefully and beautifully. His daughter, my wife, seemed to handle his death very well as a result. But she grieves in unexpected ways, months after the fact. And of course this affects me.

A good friend and former colleague died in January from lung cancer, at 63. I turned 50 last month and I'm staring my mortality squarely in the face. I am already well along in the dying process. But what of life in the mean time? How best to spend the uncertain remainder? And what of others in my life, my mom and wife in particular? What shall be our relationship?

I've heard it said that suffering and distress are really opportunities in disguise, opportunities for growth. Damn, it's hard though.

Thoughts from a Buddhist in retreat

Not sure how to link to it any other way, but please check out Phil Battos' blog at http://philbattos.blogspot.com/ - good food for thought and meditation!

More changes

My father-in-law is in hospice, and will not live much longer. It seems death has dogged me and my family in the last decade. My wife moved him here from Boston recently after he took a fall there, and his health declined rapidly over the holidays. It is tough practice, but one that Buddhist practice looks upon as a tremendous opportunity. In the death-denying Western society, it's tough however. It's very tough not to avoid and fear, and I've had many weak moments. Yet even during the experience, I can feel a richness and closeness to others, not normally experienced in day-to-day life. It induces compassion in me for others, like nothing else.

Merry Kwanzaa etc.!

Angry comedy

Maybe because I'm pissed off and in a dark mood, but I've recently discovered an artist who speaks to my soul - the late Bill Hicks. Never before had I heard of him...not surprisingly, 'cause the guy rants against the man. See http://www.billhicks.com/index.html for more info.

Just a teaser here:

"Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag."

"Really? I bought mine. Yeah, they sell them at K-Mart and shit."

"He died in the Korean War."

"Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in Korea."

No one – and I repeat, no one – has ever died for a flag. See, a flag … is just a piece of cloth. They may have died for freedom, which is also the freedom to burn the fucking flag, see. That's freedom.

OK, one more:

"Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed through a slow vibration, we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, life is only a dream and we are the imaginations of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

Thanks Bill, whereever you are!

Holy dogshit, batman.
It's been a long year. I lost my dad in October 2005 and the last thing I wanted to do was blog. As Robert Bly once said, in many respects one doesn't fully enter one's manhood until one's dad dies. Well, manhood ain't been much fun so far.

But, never have I been in touch with my mortality so much. So much so, it has me on the edge of depression. But it's also allowed me to take some risks that I might not have otherwise. Like starting my own biz.

More later,
Your Druidia